After it was clear my mum and sister weren’t coming back (don’t worry they did come back after the funeral) I remember sitting quietly on my own. If I am to analyse this experience further there was food tied into the whole ordeal. These beliefs played out in all areas of my life at an unconscious level and affected the relationships and friendships I developed and as I said I believe contributed to my developing anorexia nervosa many years later because of how this one incident was interpreted by my child’s mind. I believe I developed a belief that I wasn’t wanted. I believe I developed a belief that I wasn’t loved. I believe I developed a belief that I wasn’t worthy. I believe at that point in time I developed the beginnings of, if not a full, belief that I wasn’t good enough. I remember feeling unsure of everything I’d ever known.
I remember feeling unsure if I’d ever see them again. I remember feeling so lost and unsure of why they had “abandoned” me. I thought we were just visiting but when my mum snuck away with my older sister (with the absolute best of intentions) my little world was shattered. I knew something wasn’t right and I was trying to stay close to my mum.
My mum, older sister and I went to my grandparent’s place. I was too young to understand and most likely too much effort to take to the funeral (I was quite a hyperactive child). When I was around 4 years of age my mum’s aunty died. I want to share one seemingly innocuous experience I had in early childhood (and only consciously remembered many years later under hypnosis) which ended up having a monumental impact on my life and which I truly believe (whether I am right or wrong I’ll never know) was a major contributor to my developing anorexia nervosa. The purpose of my sharing this is not to list all the traumas which have happened to me and to “blame” them but rather I’ve chosen one incidence which is seemingly insignificant (and certainly objectivly trivial when compared to traumans I experienced later in life) with the purpose of highlighting that you don’t need to have experienced extreme levels of trauma, abuse, neglect and mistreatment to develop an eating disorder. And secondly, to perhaps allow you to identify some similarities between your story or the story of a loved one and mine so that you can address the areas that need addressing in order to heal from the eating disorder or ideally prevent the development of an eating disorder. This is with the intention of first reiterating that an eating disorder is not a choice (yes, it’s frustrating that this is even something I have to say but you wouldn’t believe how many people are still treating eating disorders as though they are a choice – health care professionals included). Having said this (that my “self-imposed starvation” was never a matter of willpower or intention) I’d like to share with you 3 things which likely contributed to my developing an eating disorder. When I was diagnosed with anorexia nervosa at around 13 years old I had entirely no idea what that meant (and I suspect, looking back now nor did the doctor who diagnosed me or the procession of others I was to see in the years to come). In every sense of the term, it just happened. I developed anorexia nervosa entirely by accident.Īs, I can guarantee you, has every single other person who has ever developed an eating disorder in the history of the universe.Īt no point in time did I decide I would starve myself or even deliberately try to eat less.Īt no point in time did I consider that I would ever or was developing an eating disorder. Sometimes people ask me why I think I developed anorexia nervosa and how it is possible to have that degree of willpower to not eat (I am embarrassed to admit that I’ve even had people ask this as though it is a good thing, and they want in on the “secret”).
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